When grief comes to call

Artist unknown - please inform me if you are aware.

I once heard of an elderly man who would set the table for a guest, just in case someone showed up to join him for dinner, and he may welcome them in well. This is a beautiful sentiment that I would like to embrace generally, yet when it comes to friends, including our friend Grief, why wait for them to call?

I speak as someone called forth as a steward of the darkened path, to share the wisdom I have gained through my communing with Grief, as a guiding light for others, as they walk the liminal spaces between the worlds. As someone who lives close to Grief, both personally and now, professionally, the need to cultivate a dedicated practice to welcome Grief to my table is paramount, but then again, it always was.

I did not grow up being this welcome host; like many in our incresingly steralised, global northern culture, I was cut off from the wisdom Grief had to offer me, shrouded in further mystery which left me blind to the ferel ways, even though I was still required to wade within the quagmire of life. Ironically, the shroud of ‘protection’ in fact spurred my struggle, leaving me to sink deeper into the pits of (non)existence.

We all enter the darkness of the forest at some point - conscious or unconscious, chosen or forced - and so this is my invitation for you, for though you may not feel the same call to steward others as I do, a well life requires you tend the many faces of Grief which shadow you, and perhaps those who are closest to you.

Perhaps Grief has been knocking on your door for a while, throwing rocks up to your bedroom window, or whispering to you through the darkness as you sleep? Perhaps you thought you needed only to invite Grief the once? No, a good life requires us to cultivate a reciprocal relationship with Grief, a friendship, for it is a simple truth we will all know Grief throughout our lives, so let us cultivate loving terms.

And perhaps for you, Grief is like that person you greatly hope does not show up, even if you choose to invite them. Let me tell you that, unlike humans, which may not choose to show up uninvited, Grief holds no airs and graces, and does not care for your passive aggression.

Because Grief knows it is medicine; it is not quite the friend who begs you to take note, to read this, do this, stop this and try that. Not quite, for Grief is not fussed with fixing you, no, Grief desires you meet yourself whole, feral, messy. Grief desires you look at yourself bare and wash despair off your skin with tears, and howl at the moon. Because Grief knows.

Grief understands life is busy, and will give you some grace, but do not wait so long that Grief comes knocking on its own accord, we must remember to offer invitations regularly for Grief to commune with us, to keep our love tender, our hearts soft, and our souls open to thise experience called life.

We must make abundant space in our world, our life, our weeks and days; move pride and fear aside, so that tears may experience us without shame; for it is our ability to feel this deeply, which allows us to meet ourselves, and life, whole. There will always be tender spaces to meet with wider eyes and well-known hearts - what adventure lies ahead?

Do not shy away, close the blinds and hide under the duvet; understand you are an equal, walk towards and reach your hands into the dirt to feel the warm embrace of the truth of humanbeing; the rawness of sensation, as we connect to the fullness of life. For each up has its down, and you can not know life fully when you only embrace one side of the coin.

So, let us set an extra place at our table for our dear friend, Grief, and send the invitation.

on failure

prelogue

The only real failure is the failure to try is a common adage, but how many of us genuinly embrace it with the ease we deserve? As I reached the end of 2024, I came face to face with the feeling of failure, and my mind was drawn to a piece of work I completed in 2022.

For the first few months of 2022, I explored a master’s course in mad studies, and this post today is what emerged from the first module; it was presented in zine style and attached to an email of resignation, which I sent to the full teaching staff and cohort, as an act of rebellion and activism to embody my point. (It wasn’t appreciated)

Even though I didn’t receive any formal acknowledgement of this brief post-graduate experience, it impacted me and was integral to my journey. It was a valuable lesson, which was greatly needed, and not only was I connected to a now trusted guide and healer, I allowed myself to try and fail, and through this, I began to embody my true core values.

Two years later, I am still spiralling through the lesson of failure, with new teachings being gifted each time. Posting this piece is a small - yet large - act of reconciliation for myself, as I post something I had not planned to place on this platform, and not at the ‘right time’. But that doesn’t matter because I choose to allow myself to bend and flex. Because the only true failure is when we fail to try.

Lessons I have learnt, in failing to be a Mad Studies student

Written 2022

introduction

I hesitated to write, like always, because my learning is not yet complete. As soon as I write it down it changes, so let me provide you with a snapshot of my learning at this point in time. This has been my most successful failure to date, because I realised quite early on that it was, so have taken the steps to re-align myself. This being one.

I currently view mad studies as a liminal space of inquiry, discussion, critique and innovation from a ‘mad’ perspective, and by that I mean anyone with lived experience of so-called madness, in all that encapsulates. A space to unlearn and inform your perception of the world. A lens we can choose to use alongside our others, not a set of rules. You can contribute without identifying with madness and not contribute whilst identifying with madness. There can be no consensus but a loosely shared understanding and values base which unite our work. Hope - which encourages our unique potential. A space for interdependence instead of independence or codependency. Working alongside one another in our unique ways, for each one of our voices is valid, and necessary. 

the lessons

1) My past molded me and brought me to this point, but it does not define me - it is not who I am. We do not need to hold onto distress, trauma, or labels like they are a part of us, forever re-bruising ourselves and stifling our natural growth with the expectations that come attached. When we choose to place down the idea of who we are, from who we have been, and be present with ourselves now - we can flourish.

2)Success can be different for everyone. I do not need to reside in the walls of an institution to be taken seriously, I do not need a degree or certificate to prove my ability to support my community through positive change, and I do not need to label myself an academic to produce knowledge of value. Perhaps you do. We would each benefit from taking time to review and challenge our perceptions of what success is - unlearn what is not ours and realign ourselves with what resonates with us.

3) Growth will not happen in the comfort zone, but in the spaces of discomfort - and it may not be the growth you set out for. We need to learn to discern between discomfort (challenge, growth, development) and discomfort (limitation, friction, stagnation). When you realise that something does not serve you, you are allowed to put it down. There is no shame in stopping, it is a success in knowing yourself and your needs. It is not selfish to have your fundamental needs met; you are worthy and deserving of what you need to thrive, not just survive, just by being alive. You do not need to squeeze yourself into something - your path should feel uplifting and spacious, not restrictive or fearful.

4) The universe is constantly in flux, and we are of the universe - life is liminal space, full of endless transformational and creative potential. Progress is never linear and nothing can be rigidly set, because as soon as something is written as fact it is out of date, and therefore restrictive. There's a call to meet our needs here and now, put down pre-conceptions and expectations, to instead approach with an intentionality. Allow and surrender ourselves to exploration within a beginners mindset to unfurl and flow organically. This then also requires times of review, reflection and adjustment as we evolve to ensure we are maintaining alignment (personally and collectively).

5) End goals are not for movements - they indicate that at a point we will have reached absolute completion, our work here is done. But if the universe is in flux, we are in flux, our needs are in flux - how can we ever be done? Our needs will change and our movements can follow to meet them. Perhaps this is why movements fizzle out, they require flexibility to evolve, not rules or set agendas which stagnate.

6) We need to be the change we wish to see in the world. Theorising is important but only does so much, we need to put theory into practice - actually embody the change. Movements need a two-way discussion where theory and practice inform each other, they are not separate entities. We fall on that continuum as well. Today you are one thing, tomorrow another, why limit yourself? As Alan Watts said - you are under no obligation to be the person your where 5 minutes ago.

fresh perspective

The start of 2025 marked yet another pivot for me, a mere four months after I opened myself into service, I initiated a pause. I have been in a personal state of accelerated transformation, and I feel disorientated, tired and raw, as what is not for me is unravelling in front of my eyes, time and time again. Sometimes it is tempting to lay down and admit defeat. But, when we choose to avoid failure, we choose to avoid life, and that in itself is the greatest failure.

Failure is only a feeling, not a fact. I view this as a fractal version of what Joanna Macy speaks to about positive disintegration; when what we place our sense of self on, no longer feels valid, it can create a sense of disorientation, and pain within us, and that this is what we are actually feeling - abashed and lost. 

We get to set our expectations, and even though I have been through this lesson - time and time again - it doesn’t make the process of surrender easier. Failure is an ego death, it physically hurts. When we choose to show up and try again, even when it appears to jeopardise our sense of self, is a true measure of success.

“Like all living things, we must make our descent into the darkness then wait for some new kind of wisdom to take root” Valerie Andrews

David Whyte said that when we are on our path, the path disappears; it is bold to feel the pangs of failure, yet, continue to put one foot in front of the other in vulnerability, when we can not see what is before us. Walking alongside this lostness is the key to finding oneself; we are meant to walk the darkened path, for the darkness of the liminal void is fertile space for our personal growth. We can never truly define ourselves, for we evolve in each moment, with each foot placed forward, and as such, we must meet ourselves freshly in each present moment.

This then means we can’t actually fail, for it was not us that set the expectation, goal or desired outcome, but a previous version of ourselves. We can let it go because it doesn’t matter what the defined ‘failure’ was, only how we now choose to approach this feeling within us, which ultimately defines who we choose to be.

We are all just works in progress, and that is beautiful. I choose to show up in newer ways, to play and enjoy what I am creating, instead of placing unneeded pressure upon myself. So, as Dwayne Johnson says, it’s one day or day one. Speak soon.

Learning Intimacy

Last week my mind was cast back to this piece which I wrote for a local publication submission last year, which was rejected. It feels very current again to me, like it was brought to my attention on purpose to work as I spiral around themes of connection and intimacy in my own life, and I feel it deserves to be published. Even though if I wrote this now it would perhaps find another form, it may very well hold something for someone else as well, so I offer it here for you now, unedited from when I submitted it.

[Written August 2023]

Until recently, I’m unsure I remember ever feeling truly intimate with anyone, yet, it is something I have craved deeply. As I reflect on the world around me, I wonder if the concept of intimacy is thrown around without enough consideration or understanding of its potential - much like love - I wonder if others feel the same.

I tried the many ways in which society taught me to alleviate the deep loneliness which had filled my body to the brim, but the conversations didnt scrape the surface, and physicality never touched the sides – they always lacked depth. Like all of us, my unique (and abusive) childhood moulded my understanding of intimacy, and my body kept the score on the level to which I could access it, but perhaps you recognise my wish to throw the doors open to my inner world to a trusted few; be witnessed in my weirdness without judgment; held closely in my heaviest pain; to share in the deepest, dirtiest laughter as I light up from the inside out. It has only been during this year - my thirtieth - that I am reaching an understanding of the depths of intimacy which I could co-create; still creating the reference points for what safe, nurturing intimacy can look and feel like to me; so here, I’d like to muse on my experience, my learnings so far, on the artform which is emotional intimacy, as I believe this is what I have been truly craving.

I believe nurturing a truer sense of intimacy with another, reaches far beyond the bounds of the physical (doing), or the mental (thinking), into the emotional (being); emotional intimacy can be shared with anyone, in any way. Like all art forms, it requires patient study, a honing of our craft, and time to play and experiment with our tools of choice – touch, words, eye contact, dance, sex etc - but like art, it is not the tools which create the masterpiece, it is the intent and energy which guides them. Intimacy is a dance of energy from deep within us (emotion: energy-in-motion), which is willingly passed, connecting one soul to another; it is alive, and as such it has needs to flourish.

For me, life had been lived in a constant state of high alert, fear, of the world around me, so it is no coincidence that my ability to be intimate began to develop when I had created a sense of safety – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in my life first. Because intimacy is a vulnerable state of co-creation, in which we remove our armour to share in the minuteness of our innermost worlds, we lay our souls bare, and they theirs, to explore our depths together.

Intimate connection can allow us to reach further into our own depths – relationship can only be healed and nourished, in relation to another - but I have found deep diving into self-reflection integral to my ability to show up with another, because we can only ever meet another’s emotions, to the level of which we can meet our own. To reach into deeper emotional intimacy with another - for us to share ourselves authentically - we must first know ourselves. The ability to be honest about our state of being in the present moment – and to accept with compassion everything as it is without judgement - is to be in our truth, and this allows another to truly witness us.

This requires patience for all involved, and true courage for us to bring our fullest selves into the present moment, and sit with them with unwavering attention. Intimacy requires our full attention - a mutual meditation - and that can be challenging if we are sitting with discomfort. Learning how to regulate myself through challenging emotions has contributed to my feelings of safety; being emotionally intimate requires us to welcome all emotions, not just the comfortable ones. My personal capacity to do this fluctuates, but my ability to understand my own capacity, must remain consistent. This allows me to create and honour my own boundaries to remain safe. Both my capacity and boundaries have developed with me over time, and will continue to do so. The only thing consistent in this life is change, we must expect the same of intimate connections; not everyone has built up their capacity - we are all at different stages – sometimes we can wish to have more intimacy with someone, but listening to the limits of what the other person can offer you is a deeply important lesson – not everyone wishes to share themselves intimately with you, and perhaps, you may not wish to be intimate with them either.

As such intimacy requires a level of self-regard – knowing our value and the fact we deserve unconditional regard. It is okay to be alone – alone does not mean lonely – it means we are honouring ourselves, and refusing to settle for less than we deserve. We must not fear being with ourselves; this means that there is space in our lives for intimacy to enter. When you are living from your authentic nature, I don’t believe there is a limit to the depth of intimacy which we could dive to with another. Living in a place of emotional intimacy within ourselves is the start; when we embrace this way of being, we attract those who wish to live in the same way.

Each step into the future is new ground I am walking on, and as I continue learn safety in this new way of being - creating new neuropathways and pushing ever so gently into my edges - I expand my capacity for emotional intimacy, and, I grow in hope, and excitement of the journeys ahead. We could continue settle for “intimacy” the way it has been offered to us so far, but I know I won’t be.